Feeling Good

Running.  Walking in the cold.  Stretching.  Breathing.  These things refresh me.  Remind me to balance and center myself. I don't do these things often enough.  I have already broken my 21 days of no complaining.  Damn it is hard to not complain. But first, I must explain why.  My job has been in a funky place for over a year.  My company is in the mist of an attempted takeover and were are all awaiting another 500 layoffs.  When in the midst of change or uncertainty for so long, it is difficult to get through a work day without complaining.  It is especially difficult because I am not the only one doing it.  We all want to stay positive, be thankful for our current employment, and be proud of our work, but it is a difficult thing to keep doing day in and day out. 

Sometimes, when my 4 year old refuses to eat and I am tired and frustrated from trying different meals, and ending up on pasta and a few carrots as a success story, and I burst out with a doozy like, "There are children starving in this world who would be so grateful for anything to be put on their plates."  And as my four year old daughter promptly, and appropriately ignores this, I have to stop and laugh at myself.  Jesus.  I mean, she's four and I am trying to guilt her on the societal implications of being a picky eater.  Breathe. Run.  Stretch.  Laugh.  Stop complaining mom.  Stop and smell the roses mom.  Remind yourself that you can only do what you can do, be what you can be, in this moment, in this life. 

I want to whittle down my resolutions.  I had a rather lofty and large list for the year.  I am going to break it down now.  To some small stuff.  Some things I can accomplish and do within a set time.  One of the biggest things that affects my daily life is my weight.  I lost almost 25 pounds on Weight Watchers about two years ago.  Over the last year, which coincided with the many challenges at work, never mind home life, I gained it all back.  All of it.  All that I swore never to do.  I am the great fluctuation champion.  Skinny in high school, freshman 15, chubby in San Francisco, and then a drop down to a size 6.  Up again in LA, and then down for our wedding when we moved back East.  Two kids later and I was starting to resemble a blow-up mattress for which my inflation only required a reigniting love affair with chips and variety of red wines. 

Then Weight Watchers and running and I found peace and love with exercise and eating right and then BAM! As soon as the world handed me lemons, I made lemony sour cream dip to go with chips and crackers and some more wine.  Needless caloric support at the end of a stressful day.  I kept the running up (occasionally) but stopped Weight Watchers.  In the words of Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman'- BIG mistake. Big. HUGE. 

Have you seen Jennifer Hudson lately?  She must still go to meetings...either that or she has her own Weight Watchers leader waking her up in the morning to take her to her trainer. I hope she keeps it up.  I listen to her testimonials about feeling better than she ever has, and having a new lease on life and I think to myself, yup- that was me.  I felt that way too.  But then work got busy.  I skipped meetings.  Life got hectic and I thought a few pounds wasn't a big deal.  But its amazing how easy it is to gain it all back.  Now I hate mornings because finding something to wear is unbearable. 

I got a treadmill for Christmas from my wonderful husband and am starting to use it.  To run, to breathe.  And then stretch and then feel good in the morning.  In a few weeks I will start Weight Watcher meetings again.  I need the support.  I need the accountability. I want to feel like Jennifer Hudson does, bellowing "Feeling Good" at the top of my lungs in a slinky, white dress.  I thought I could find happiness at my current size by learning French and organizing my sock drawer, but first I have to concentrate on my physical well-being.  To be all that I can be, I need to, in the words of Julia Roberts hooker friend in 'Pretty Woman' again...use it, work it, own it.

So, I whittle it down to two things.  One concrete, attainable, measurable goal- lose 10 pounds by my birthday which is April 2nd.  And the second, keep writing.  Because you know what?  This helps me be all that I can be too.  I may not be the writer I always dreamed I would be, but I know that I am nothing without writing something.  And this is my 'be all I can be', my 'feeling good'.  And I am ok with just this much for now.