Oops, I Did It Again.

I played with my heart, got lost in game, oh baby, baby.  Yes, this is me, quoting a Britney Spears song.  The complete and true bottom of the barrel.  The only thing I have learned since January 1st is that I should not make resolutions.  I cannot keep them.  And why can't I keep them?  I put too damn many on the list.  This is called Mom in Modification though people, not Mom Instantly Modified.   This is going to take time, me meeting my goals.  One thing I keep coming back to is how disorganized and overextended I feel.  I look at other moms who are balancing the same load and make excuses for how they must be doing it so much more completely than me.  Must be more money, better job, husband, kids who don't meltdown in restaurants and aren't picky eaters.

But then I have to remind myself that I have an amazing life with beautiful, healthy, wonderful kids and a supportive, all hands on deck husband who puts up with all of my neurosis.  I am going to take this on in a different way.  Peel back one layer at a time.  And time is what it comes down to.  Getting some more of it. And a huge part of that is how I manage my life.  There are some big 'To Do's'  on my list towards managing this part of my life.

1. Starting and maintaining a family budget.
2. Making a WILL
3. Getting my daughter enrolled in kindergarten and after school care.
4. Paying bills on time and lowering interest rates on credit cards bills.
5. Getting additional life insurance for me and my husband.
6. Finding the time to work out at least 3 days a week.
7. Planning family meals and eating out less.

These 7 things are what I will be focusing on this month and through March.  All attainable goals which can be measured.  And I can set my sights on these one at a time.  So, by the end of March I hope to be singing the tune of "I'm a Believer" instead of any Britney vocals.  And I can only do that if I believe in myself.  Step one- budget.  Here we go again...

Breaking Some and Keeping Some

January of 2011 is about to come to a close and my quest to modify my life based on a variety of resolutions hasn't gone like I had hoped it would.  I have broken more resolutions than I have kept.  I tried to write something every day and this has proved to be more difficult than I originally thought.  This takes me back to a larger issue that I seem to struggle with as a working mom of two with well, terrible time management issues.  I am now breaking things out in small steps.  Filing things away at work and trying to keep my desktop clean.  Keeping projects organized and ahead of deadlines so I can fit in booking doctors appointments and filling prescriptions during my lunch hour. These are small steps towards a much bigger goal.  How can I expect to find the time or energy to write every day when I have so much hanging over my head.  I can't.  So, I will slowly start to chip away at the vines swinging above me and weighing me down and be happy with that step of modification.

And the other big change- something I am starting to fit back into my life?  Taking care of myself.  The weight issues are literally weighing me down.  Being about 30 pounds overweight is tough,  It makes getting dressed in the morning difficult.  I am much more tired and unhappy due to this heaviness and I am finally tackling it.  I started running on my new treadmill again and today I started day 1 of 60 of the INSANITY workout.  And insane it it.  I am tired and sore but I feel amazing.  I will keep tracking the progress here with before and after photos, measurements etc.  It is a step towards being accountable and by putting it out there, I will look for support of friends, family, and cyberspace through these next 60 days.  And the pay-off?  We booked our first family vacation to St. John which will happen a few weeks after I finish my 60 day training plan.  Here we go!  Next post- before photo- weight and measurements. 

Running On

Slowly, ever so slowly..I am getting back my stride.  My running is like starting all over again.  Running a mile is easier than the very first one I attempted almost two years ago, but still much harder than it should be.  It is amazing how quickly your strength and health decline when you stop exercising.  I vow, before the internet universe and the blogoshpere, I WILL not go backwards again.  I WILL NOT gain the weight back when I lose it.  I WILL keep running.

Yesterday I ran for about 20 minutes on the treadmill and my daughter set up her baby's swing and a mat behind it and pretended it was her treadmill and ran along side me.  I forgot this part of it.  Inspiring my children's health and well-being.  Setting them up to be successful with managing weight in the future because exercise will be so a part of their normal lives.  Something that they actually want to do.  This is another great focus towards accomplishing my goals.

Creatively Challenged Storm

I have missed some time on the treadmill.  I am awaiting a storm- a whopping 13-17 inches is predicted for this area. I am facing the day-to-day challenges head on but not always with a clear head.  But one thing I promised myself I would do would be continue to write.  Even a little something, each and every day.  Well, oops, I missed a day.  And that's OK.  Because I was creative in my thoughts and dreams.  I just never got around to getting it "on blog".

So here, some creativity to spring forward as the lion of winter creeps in. Not the  best for sure, I promise I have written better in my day, but damn, I miss writing poetry...

Winter
Solitude and solace unbound
I care not for the riches that I've found
Scarcely goes the river under ground
Permitting crossing over to have found
my worth that is pennies over pounds
unto my solitude and solace unbound

Waiting for the Storm
The news predicts and prepares
for inches of snow and standstill.
We all alter life and plans
to suit snowbanks and winter discomforts.
Think nothing of what you were to do,
think only of what comes next,
hold your breath for the first of the fall,
that which will halt all our plans and preparations.
Whose wedding do you disrupt dear storm?
Whose anniversary dinner does your parking ban upend?
You think not of those who must brave through the highways and roads to get on with the jobs and the day
Nature and nothing come together to remind us
stay in, stay put, stay frozen for a moment
We will hold our roost until you are ready for us to come out,
to shiver and shovel and brave you dear storm.
Dear winter some days we are happy to see you...

Weight in Gold

We carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. We weigh ourselves to measure perfection or lack thereof.  Each day brings a new form of measurement and weighing.  Weighing options, weighing severity of a situation, the thoughts of friends and family, their concerns and happiness.  Today I am grateful for every last bit of weight I carry, both the physical and emotional kind.  For this means I am alive and well enough to do so. Every once in a while I get reminded of this by becoming aware of someone else's suffering or understanding the true weight of someone else's world.  And it is during those times that I have to stop and remember how truly lucky I am to be healthy, happy, and whole.  To be blessed with a loving husband, wonderful children, and supportive family and friends.  This is all worth its weight in gold.

Feeling Good

Running.  Walking in the cold.  Stretching.  Breathing.  These things refresh me.  Remind me to balance and center myself. I don't do these things often enough.  I have already broken my 21 days of no complaining.  Damn it is hard to not complain. But first, I must explain why.  My job has been in a funky place for over a year.  My company is in the mist of an attempted takeover and were are all awaiting another 500 layoffs.  When in the midst of change or uncertainty for so long, it is difficult to get through a work day without complaining.  It is especially difficult because I am not the only one doing it.  We all want to stay positive, be thankful for our current employment, and be proud of our work, but it is a difficult thing to keep doing day in and day out. 

Sometimes, when my 4 year old refuses to eat and I am tired and frustrated from trying different meals, and ending up on pasta and a few carrots as a success story, and I burst out with a doozy like, "There are children starving in this world who would be so grateful for anything to be put on their plates."  And as my four year old daughter promptly, and appropriately ignores this, I have to stop and laugh at myself.  Jesus.  I mean, she's four and I am trying to guilt her on the societal implications of being a picky eater.  Breathe. Run.  Stretch.  Laugh.  Stop complaining mom.  Stop and smell the roses mom.  Remind yourself that you can only do what you can do, be what you can be, in this moment, in this life. 

I want to whittle down my resolutions.  I had a rather lofty and large list for the year.  I am going to break it down now.  To some small stuff.  Some things I can accomplish and do within a set time.  One of the biggest things that affects my daily life is my weight.  I lost almost 25 pounds on Weight Watchers about two years ago.  Over the last year, which coincided with the many challenges at work, never mind home life, I gained it all back.  All of it.  All that I swore never to do.  I am the great fluctuation champion.  Skinny in high school, freshman 15, chubby in San Francisco, and then a drop down to a size 6.  Up again in LA, and then down for our wedding when we moved back East.  Two kids later and I was starting to resemble a blow-up mattress for which my inflation only required a reigniting love affair with chips and variety of red wines. 

Then Weight Watchers and running and I found peace and love with exercise and eating right and then BAM! As soon as the world handed me lemons, I made lemony sour cream dip to go with chips and crackers and some more wine.  Needless caloric support at the end of a stressful day.  I kept the running up (occasionally) but stopped Weight Watchers.  In the words of Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman'- BIG mistake. Big. HUGE. 

Have you seen Jennifer Hudson lately?  She must still go to meetings...either that or she has her own Weight Watchers leader waking her up in the morning to take her to her trainer. I hope she keeps it up.  I listen to her testimonials about feeling better than she ever has, and having a new lease on life and I think to myself, yup- that was me.  I felt that way too.  But then work got busy.  I skipped meetings.  Life got hectic and I thought a few pounds wasn't a big deal.  But its amazing how easy it is to gain it all back.  Now I hate mornings because finding something to wear is unbearable. 

I got a treadmill for Christmas from my wonderful husband and am starting to use it.  To run, to breathe.  And then stretch and then feel good in the morning.  In a few weeks I will start Weight Watcher meetings again.  I need the support.  I need the accountability. I want to feel like Jennifer Hudson does, bellowing "Feeling Good" at the top of my lungs in a slinky, white dress.  I thought I could find happiness at my current size by learning French and organizing my sock drawer, but first I have to concentrate on my physical well-being.  To be all that I can be, I need to, in the words of Julia Roberts hooker friend in 'Pretty Woman' again...use it, work it, own it.

So, I whittle it down to two things.  One concrete, attainable, measurable goal- lose 10 pounds by my birthday which is April 2nd.  And the second, keep writing.  Because you know what?  This helps me be all that I can be too.  I may not be the writer I always dreamed I would be, but I know that I am nothing without writing something.  And this is my 'be all I can be', my 'feeling good'.  And I am ok with just this much for now.

Running on Empty?

I have accomplished a few things today.  I was a mom, as usual, I worked, and kept positive and felt happy and productive.  And then I came home, and was a mom again, and I danced with my kids, and I snuggled them and blew dry my daughter's hair after her bath and blew warm air up her pajama top and enjoyed her laughter.  I put them to bed, got on my gym clothes and put the laptop on the treadmill.  I watched "Revenge of the Bridesmaids"(cheesy goodness) on hulu.com and logged two and a half miles. I promised I would write every day, so here I am, writing.

I feel thick with the heaviness of not being able to accomplish it all, but have to realize how much I did do in this one day, and how the small steps that I took are leading me in the right direction.  I often feel like I am running on empty.  Not enough hours in the day, not enough time to get things done on the "To Do" list.  It is when I feel this way that I need to stop and remind myself that I am not running on empty but on the treadmill of life, and that I am constantly strapping on different shoes, sneakers, hats, and other things to put myself into the role required to accomplish what needs to get done for the day.  And if I don't have time for something, like learning French, or plugging numbers into the family budget spreadsheet, that it means there was time leftover to dance with my children and revel in the small moments.  That is not running on empty, that is plainly, simply, enjoying the race.

More to my list...

Additional small goals for this year.  If I don't write them down, they won't happen, so here goes.

  21.  Print Life with Maggie and Ben into a book as a keepsake. 
This is the closest thing I have to a baby book and I need something printed out so I will have someplace to stick their baby locks and first drawings.
  22.  Take control of my finances.
I have already mentioned that I am starting this process, but I have to acknowledge how detrimental this will be to the progress of my self-improvement.  That paralyzing fear I mentioned in an earlier post?  This is something that is self-induced and I need to get ahead of it and tackle it in order for me to achieve most of what is on my list.  Managing money is the thing I hate to deal with most, and so, consequently, must be the thing I deal with first. 

Start Sweating the Small Stuff

I have some lofty goals set for myself for 2011.  When I am falling asleep at night I find myself thinking about all the 'To Do's" of tomorrow.  They are almost always overwhelming and I realize that I become absolutely paralyzed with fear and end up not doing any of them.  This is the song of my life and the title is 'Procrastination'.  I think my small January goal to help me win in many areas of my life is to start to compartmentalize all of my chores and do the ones I enjoy the least first.  Like paying bills, going through receipts, and becoming more mindful of what I spend.  I think that I can achieve these small things if I put my mind to it.  As I take the 21-day no complaining challenge, why not also pack in a few other things to turn them into new habits as well?

So tonight I sat down and went through all my receipts and made some piles to file.  Step two- tomorrow night I will open up that wonderful home budget spreadsheet I downloaded from Scribd.com and will input our monthly expenses.  I will then set this as a reminder to do the first Tuesday in February.  One Tuesday a month.  Just one simple hour aside to do it, and with some of those 'To Do's' scratched off my mental list, likely a restful sleep to follow.

Day One: Every Little Bit Counts to Happiness

I took an extra vacation day after the holiday today.  A day for ME.  I ran a mile on the treadmill this morning.  Not much but all I had time for and a step towards meeting  resolution #2.  I met a friend for lunch (a little of #9), went shopping, and got my hair cut and dyed.  I took some Christmas money splurged on a new handbag from J. Crew that my friend had also purchased.  I LOVE it.  And I did it with little to no guilt. 

I am writing (take that #11), and all of these things made me happier.  Speaking of becoming happier.  What I am doing has been done before.  Done successfully and done right into a best-selling book.  Author Gretchen Rubin lived a full, happy life but thought there were small things she could do to increase her overall well-being and happiness.  She did so and chronicled it all in a book called "The Happiness Project".  She is now starting a campaign for 2011 for others to do the same.  The 2011 Happiness Challenge. Each month, she will propose an area of life to tackle, and suggest manageable resolutions to help boost your happiness. Although I already have my own list of resolutions, I think this will be a welcome addition to the roster.  I have taken it, will you?

And check out her blog.  There is great advice, like the article on tips for sticking with your resolutions.  I read this and realize I might need to get more specific on some of mine to help achieve them. 

The Book of Resolutions

I begin my Mom in Modification journey by listing out my 2011 resolutions otherwise known as my wish list of personal improvement projects.  Many of these are typical and have carried over from the previous year like unused vacation days at work.  And then there are some long-forgotten, some Oprah-inspired, friend, and fellow-blogger inspired etc. I will go off this list throughout the year and hope to cross a nice big old line through each and every one. They are in no specific order, and I am sure I will add and (hopefully not) take some away. But even if I can address parts of some, I will be happy.  And so begins the journey...

1.    Re-learn French and visit and French Canadian city in reward (Quebec or Montreal).
2.    Use the treadmill at least 3x a week.
3.    Follow Weight Watchers again and lose the 20 pounds I gained back in 2010.
4.    Take my GREs and apply to grad school.
5.    Sell our house.
6.    Buy a new one.
7.    Stop complaining so much (Reading "A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start   Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted" by Will Bohen and am taking the 21-day challenge).
8.    Reconnect with friends on a regular basis.
9.    Enjoy wine on special occasions and maybe a weekend night but do it more rarely.
10.  Find a new passion.
11.  Write something personal or creative every day.
12.  Say a nice thing to my husband every day- compliment him more.
13.  Work hard on "Scream-Free Parenting".  Breathing before reacting.  Remembering that they do what they do for a reason.
14.  Continue to volunteer, find an organization to throw my whole family into supporting.  We are not religious, so this should be our church, our community.
15.  Find the joy in cooking and bring it to our table.
16.  Decorate a room fully and completely, with forethought and statement and love.
17.  Never miss a thank you note, an important birthday or occasion of a loved one, or the chance to tell them how I feel.
18.  Go on a family vacation, to a beach, on a plane.
19.  Ski with confidence and give that to my children.
20.  Find physical and mental strength that is better than it has ever been and hold on to it.

The Year of the Modifier

I started a little blog a few years back to journal about my children, my hectic working life, and basically have a creative outlet for myself.  Lately, I have realized that more and more my writing became less about my kids and more about the changes I was going through as a person and my desire to become a better mom and a better human being.  I have been attempting this metamorphosis physically, mentally, and through revealing a set of truths about myself. 

Originally, my plan was that my blog would become an on-line baby book for my children.  I would always have that domain for them, and would always chronicle their upbringing with fun stories and photos.  What I began to notice was that so much of what 'Life with Maggie and Ben' was supposed to be about was falling second to my hectic lifestyle and desire to improve it.  So, I have decided that most everything to do with my own personal journey for change will be chronicled here on 'Mom in Modification'.  I think that this year more than ever will be my most fervent attempt at becoming who I want to be, and I want to focus on chronicling it here and leaving Maggie and Ben's page...well, for Maggie and Ben.

I hope you check out both, but for those interested in my weight loss, exercise, and life wellness progress, come and check this out.  For those who want to see how big Maggie is and how often Ben is pulling her hair these days, keep on keepin on to 'Life with Maggie and Ben'.  And hopefully you'll read both.  And hopefully I will continue to find the time to devote to both.  I realize the best part of me modifying is continuing to do the things that make me happy.  And writing does.  I may not be the voice of our generation, but I have some things to say, and enjoy putting them out there.  I hope you do too.